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January 14, 2012
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peripheral inner haiga by deinktvis peripheral inner haiga by deinktvis
14.1.12

a haiga collaboration with my long time dA friend =adi0. here is a [link] to his original. thanks, as always, c!

the poem is senryu:

peripheral inner vision

- not-quite-splash -
the step stone rises
'neath my foot.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconqueen-cupcake-neko:
First, let's start with the picture.
The picture itself is great. The colors and beautiful and the lighting is great. I love the clarity and the way that his picture focuses on the stones and the water. I, myself feel inspried by this picture. It is truely great. It is creative and mixes in nature along with man-made things.
Now, let's focus on the poem.
Even though it is short, it is great. It made a great impact on me when I first read it. It shows deep thinking. It also shows that the picture inspired the writer.
Let me just finish by saying, I really, truely love this submission.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmadelinebelleve:
Critique by MadelineBelleVe Jul 21, 2013, 8:05:20 PM
Ok, so you've done better. I don't think the title fits the senryu and neither does the artwork. Your senryu takes a southern approach to me , so if you wanted to keep the writing portion you could change the picture to a boy in overalls playing in the rain or a puddle. The title would also have to change into something of a southern slang phrase. If you wanted to keep the artwork and title,+ your senryu would have to be more tranquil but also match the color aspect you're trying to capture in the picture. Just on a general note the first line doesn't quite make sense, so editing that might be necessary.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconsarkananight:
Sarkananight Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Simply beautiful!
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:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012  Student Writer
thanks!
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:iconsarkananight:
Sarkananight Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
No prob!
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:iconmyth-of-creation:
Myth-of-Creation Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2012
Short, but no less mysterious otherwise. And that photo, WOW.
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:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2012  Student Writer
give =adi0 props for the visual :) and thanks for the :+fav:!
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:iconmyth-of-creation:
Myth-of-Creation Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2012
I'll definitely look em up! You're welcome for the fav as well!
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:iconsunshinegypsy:
sunshinegypsy Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2012  Professional Writer
OHH!! Perfect collab! Sometimes at night I don't feel as if I'm lying on my bed - more that my bed is rising up beneath me. Which was actually the inspiration for a poem I wrote - [link]
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:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2012  Student Writer
well- worded!
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